Hell on wheels!!

So incase y’all didn’t know….that last was like WHAT?!?!

YOUR GIRL WAS FLIPPING THE FLOP OUT!! BACKERACTED MYSELF FOR 7 DAYS AND AFTER BEING HOME FOR A WEEK, I GUESS YOU COULD SAY THINGS ARE BETTER!! (TO AN EXTENT).

When I tell y’all that I was suicidal to the point I was googling ways….I MEAN IT! I’m so glad I had enough sense to go sign myself in. They kept me highly medicated the whole week so I wasn’t able to participate in the group’s and stuff like I like to do. I couldn’t even concentrate to read or write. But they must have known that’s what I needed. My brain was on OVERLOAD 😲😫😨 and just needed to rest. I honestly think I was having a mental breakdown.

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I’M SO TIRED!!!

As I’m sitting in the parking lot looking around….I’m scared, pissed, nervous, anxious and sad. But deep down inside is this weird feeling of safety, comfort and most of all HOPE! I’m hopeful that when I walk out those doors in 3-5 days that I will be seeing past the miserable thick gloom that has taken up space in my mind once again. Nobody even knows yet because I had to make the desicion on my own. Do I go get some treatment, or just say F#*@ it and let bipolar win? I got in my car and after hours of yelling, screaming and crying I ended up in the mental hospital parking lot. I know I’ve said how down I’ve been in my last post so, I’m going threw it and need prayer upon prayers PLEASE. Just wanted to reach out to someone because this is life or death to me but to others it will be me being selfish, irresponsible, handled improperly, ect ect ect. When I turn in my phone in a min I’m will be MIA with no way for anybody to contact me. I will have the option to contact them on the hospital phone but at this point I think I’m going to refrain from any negative contact. I can’t live like this anymore, if changes aren’t made besides just me trying to fight this beast then I give up!! I’m tired, tired of being tired with a disease that I didn’t ask for, have no control over, and feel like I have nobody that I need to support me. Anyhow I’ll stop being a whiny little wimp, put on my big girl panties and do the walk of shame again. If yall only really understood. No worries if you don’t though and I mean it. Idk why I think I can make people think differently about the stigma. Thanks for reading and actually not making me feel judged on here so far

. Means alot… ✌

HONESTLY PEOPLE… I CANNOT TAKE MUCH MORE!!

Yep!! I finally made it back! And what’s horrible is I don’t wanna be back! I don’t wanna be writing about this bull shit….I don’t wanna be alive!! 💯

This actually doesn’t have anything to do with my miserable marriage right now…..that’s def for another time! This is about the damn battlefield!!!

So 2 people close to me were diagnosed with cancer in the past 3 weeks. And when I tell you cancer I mean full blown stage 4, on their death dead cancer. These 2 ladies are the sweetest most precious women of God I know. They don’t do anything ugly (on purpose) they help everybody they can, they just love life, genuinely care about people and were happy.

***NOW THIS SHIT***

WHY LORD WHY??? I KNOW I’M NOT SUPPOSE TO QUESTION YOU BUT….. WHY NOT ME INSTEAD?

These people actually want to be here and are productive here. I WOULD TAKE IT FROM THEM IN A HEARTBEAT! NOT EVEN JUST BECAUSE I LOVE THEM…. BECAUSE I WANT THE POISON. I’M A MISERABLE WASTE OF DEPRESSED SPACE MOST DAYS, THEN MANIAC, HYPER, IRRITABLE AND OVER MOTIVATED THE OTHERS.

ALSO ANYBODY THAT READS THIS AND THINKS FOR 1 FLIPPING SECOND THIS IS BS AND I’M JUST RUNNING MY MOUTH….. PLEASE MESSAGE ME PERSONALLY SO WE CAN TALK ABOUT MY SUICIDE ATTEMPTS, THE NON STOP THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD TO COMMIT SUICIDE. THE RACING THOUGHTS OF WHAT IT WOULD PUT MY CHILDREN AND FAMILY THREW BUT THEN BAM…. THERE’S THE ANXIETY LUMP IN MY THROAT WHEN I THINK I MAY HAVE TO SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUP AND LIVE THE REST OF MY DAYS LIKE THIS 🔛🔛🔛🔛

I’m sorry for this shitty, whiny post because when I log off in a minute the truth of the matter is things will still be the same and this just passed/ wasted some of our time!

Flipping sucks

Guess what I got??

So I have several tattoos, I love tattoos and would be covered if I could be. Well I’ve been wanting to get 1 for my mental illness/addiction struggles forever now. I knew this would be my most treasured and meaningful tattoo so I’ve been holding off until I knew I had the perfect one picked out.

So to empower myself to stay strong threw this separation from my husband…..I DID IT LAST NIGHT!! Let me know what y’all think….. I’m in love!!! 💗💟💝

I made it back!! Go me!!!

So if you have been reading my blog, then you know the situation with my husband and I. We’ve been together for 10 years and I haven’t been happy with him for the past 3. 😒 Well guess what I got manic and finally did it tonite? “I FLIPPING LEFT”! Idk what I’m gonna do or how I’m going to do it but dang it I’m gonna figure it out. I cannot and will not live like this anymore.

Am I scared? Hell yea I am, for way more reasons than 1. But he can take that big house on 3.5 acres and stick it up his ass!! I will not continue to be around toxic people. It takes every bit of energy I have to keep myself and my children alive and well. At this point I would rather stress about getting and keeping a job then stay there for the rest of my life and not have to work.

Half of everything is mine and I don’t even want it. I just want out. I’m sick to death of having to live in a house with a person that I don’t even wanna talk to. The problem is that I change my mind 1000 times a day about everything in my life, so I never really know what is real or fake with how I feel………

Do I wanna stay or do I wanna go?

I wanna go.

Well it could be worse, maybe I should stay.

I’m not in love and he sucks the life out of me, I can’t do this.

He’s a good provider and father I should stay for the kids.

No the kids don’t need to think it’s okay to live unhappy.

I MEAN WHAT IN THE HELL???😣😲🤤😫😤😭😨😡😱😬😩😞😯

Something has changed though because even threw the fog of this bipolar raging manic depressive battlefield in my mind, I have stopped doubting myself and trying not listen to the voices in my head! I am going to stand up and take control of my life the best I can.

I’m pretty sure my future holds some really up, down, sideways and all in between days. And that’s okay because all I can do is take 1 minute at a time as they come. Please keep me in your prayers and I’ll do my best to keep posting.

The reason I breath are up at the top ☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️

1st pic…. my 6 and 4 year old

2nd pic my 18 year old

I’m Back 🤣🤣

Happy New Year “2018”

Yeppers….I’ve been MIA but I’m back now reezel to my neezels!!! If that’s how you even spell that. Anywho Christmas was rough for me. To be honest I HATED it! And guess why? I have not a flipping clue, so if you figure it out let a sista know. LOL I am so blessed and nothing happened to make me feel like that. (For some strange reason after all these years, I STILL try to find a reason behind my stupid B.S.)

So things were going well and then BAM….I all the sudden was depressed and didn’t wanna participate in any festivities. WTH after I put so much time, love and care into all of it? I’m sitting there the night before Christmas Eve and I’m telling my husband and 18-year-old that I will not be joining them the following day for my “every year” family get together/gift exchange dinner. They were like ok, where did this come from all the sudden? I hate when people ask me stuff I def dont know the ansers too. I mean if I knew dont they think I would fix it?

Long story short, I made myself get up (no make-up looking a hot mess express) and go for my kids. Ended up not being to bad. Next day wad Christmas, I drug myself out of bed, watched the kids and hubby open presents :which giving is always a pick me up” so I enjoyed that. Did not want to open any of my presents because I didn’t feel deserving 😒. Looking back at that now was and is ridiculous because I’m very deserving. I do for everybody else and never myself, so I deserved every damn bit of it. Which I got some very nice things, by the way 😀.

This is dragging on now, so long story short I got back in bed and didn’t get up until Thursday. Made myself take a shower “because the flies and bugs 🐲🐉🐜🐝🕷 were about to hunt my stank butt down” 😂😂 J/K Or am I? 😄 Still didn’t make it out of my house until Sat. and that was only because groceries were getting low and I had no choice. Then what happened next? You’ll have to come back and find out…. hopefully I’ll get back on here tomorrow. Anyways Happy Blessed New Year to yens.